Seeing a Domme as a Couple

Out on a girls night a few months ago, in the smoking area (where all the best conversations happen), I had a chat with a woman about her relationship. Sex workers will know, as soon as you reveal your job to someone new, you are bound to be bombarded with 101 invasive questions about your lifestyle choices. I know many workers hate this. Personally, I kinda love it! If it’s a man he will tend to be either incredibly embarrassed (fun!), acceptably curious, or his mask will slip and expose the rat-bastard beneath. This might be in the form of inappropriate questions, an assumption that I can be touched or even a lecture on the evil women who make our sweet men pay for sex. Either way, it helps me to get a handle on the kind of man I’m dealing with. With women, nine times out of ten, it’s either “Is it safe?!” or “How do I get into that?” often followed by overfamiliarity and a desire to divulge all their sexual secrets. And as someone who would sooner claw out her eyes than make small talk, this suits me perfectly.

So Smoking Area Sally is opening up to me about how her husband can’t and won’t talk dirty. Apparently he loves to aggressively throw her about in… silence? And choke her without eye contact (where is he looking???) I inwardly giggle at the image of this poor pent up fella too embarrassed to call his wife a naughty girl, staring off into the void as he ferociously pumps away. Oh, and she’d like to mix it up sometimes and be the aggressor; except there’s the old no-dirty-talk situation happening so she doesn’t know how to make that a reality either. She gets the sense that he’s not happy with things, and neither is she and they talk about it and yet nothing changes. I ask her if they’d get adventurous; perhaps attend a kink party together or consider adding other people into the mix to disrupt the equilibrium a little. “We’d be too jealous!” she exclaims. Although she says they both like the idea of a threesome with a woman. And then I asked her if she has ever considered hiring a sex worker. This tends to make people uncomfortable, they want to let you know that they’re woke but they also want to say “hell no!”. It will usually be something along the lines of “I soooo totally respect your work #sexworkiswork, but meeee? Noooo I could never”.

I challenge her on this: “Why not?”. She’s not too sure, actually. Paying for it feels ‘wrong’, she thinks. I understand it, and I don’t disagree that there are many valid reasons as to why a person wouldn’t want to pay for sex. But I also think that particular frame of mind can diminish the roles that we, sex workers, can play in facilitating safe spaces for sexual exploration. I know, from all my past smoking area interrogations, that most people think being a dominatrix is dressing up in black latex and whipping men’s bottoms. My sweet nail technician recently exclaimed “You?? But you’re too gentle, too smiley!” when she asked what I did. The image of the tall, slender, dark haired and strict Mistress prevails. The reality is, the general population has no idea what we offer and how nuanced and tailored it can be. And if they have no idea - how can they ask for it? Here are a couple of scenarios I suggested to Smoking Area Sally on how a Domme could (and does ;)) work with a couple; perhaps you’ll find them helpful too:

• You like d/s dynamics: This one is obvious, but let’s explore it. Your Domme could dominate you both, or perhaps one of you would like to be dominant but you’re nervous about what to say or how to embody it. Your Domme does this every day, they are not easily shocked or embarrassed and they are not judging you. You can listen to their language, follow their lead, see how it resonates with you. Before sessions, you will always be asked about your interests, kinks, fetishes and limits, and your Domme will follow these closely. They will not push your boundaries (unless you ask them to!) In the case of Sally, I would seamlessly weave dirty talk into the session. Sally is being dominated by her partner and myself; therefore her partner has the opportunity to follow my lead and open himself up to it. He will not miraculously become the Michael Jordan of dirty talk overnight, but his comfort levels with doing it will rise. 

• You want to include another person but you’re worried about jealousy: The beauty of hiring a sex worker is that you can be extremely specific about what you do and don’t want to happen in a session. Of course, you should be able to do this within all play scenes, paid or not, but if you think you are going to easily find a woman (who you are both attracted to) who is happy to be penetrated by your partner but not kissed on the lips… then you’re a little delulu. And we don’t condone unicorn hunting here. If Sally and her partner only wanted to be directed and not touched, that’s fine. If they want touching in some areas and not in others, that’s also fine. There is an extremely broad spectrum of play experiences to cater to each person’s boundaries. And I can’t speak for all SWs but I personally have no interest in stealing your boyfriend…

• You want to learn some new skills: Most professionals will spend considerable time and effort sharpening their skills, usually under the guidance of other SWs. Maybe you find the idea of bondage hot but the basic Ann Summers cuffs are not doing it for you. Perhaps you saw a cock being electrically stimulated on the internet and you thought “hey, I’d like to try that!”. There is so much you can incorporate into your sex life, endless roleplays, toys and equipment to play around with. Sometimes you just need someone to show you where to start!

• You have no idea what you enjoy, but you’re keen to find out: This one I will add with a disclaimer: Do NOT contact a professional and expect them to tell you what you like. Because if you think about it just a little, you can usually find a starting point. Most Dommes will have a list of kinks they cater to, take a look at the list, see what piques your interest and then be open with your Domme that you’re newbies and you’d like to try ‘X, Y, Z’. Then enjoy experimenting with those things under the guidance of a professional!

We are so much more than leather and latex; we hold people in their most vulnerable moments and we create space for play in a world that can feel all too serious. It’s safe to say that Sally left that smoking area with a little determined spring in her step.